A serious consideration of the Left/Right disconnect...

My fellow Americans...
It seems to me that most of this red state/blue state business is caused by the conception that both sides seek to annihilate the other. For example, Prius-driving, carpet-munching lesbians in San Francisco are all but convinced that Jerry Falwell wants to Scotch tape their vaginas shut so that they can never enjoy the pleasure of a woman's company again. To the same effect, sister-marrying, bible-thumping rednecks fear that the homosexuals and liberals are lined up at their state's border, just waiting to move in, set up shop, and marry each other in a display of gayness not seen since Ryan Seacrest started hosting American Idol. Perhaps we all need a reality check. First, to the lesbians...

Don't worry about Jerry Falwell. He has an innate fear of the vagina, and wouldn't go anywhere near one, especially one of the lesbionic persuasion. He's content to push for an anti-gay marriage amendment from the comfort of his cushy office. Take heart... who the Right refers to as "activist judges" are just those who bother to do their job and interpret the laws. There are plenty of them around, and I think you have a fighting chance. Now onto the Red staters...

Don't worry about the lesbians and hot m4m action. The truth is, no self-respecting homosexual would set up shop in Missouri. First of all, you don't have any restaurants that serve exotic European foods and delectable salads from around the world. Your "fashion district" consists of the department stores next to the Hardees restaurant. And finally, the entire south suffers from a leather chaps shortage.

So lets all take comfort in the fact that no one is going to annihilate each other, mostly because we couldn't stand to come into close contact. Let's all be content to go on trudging through our work week with only the thought that something... dear God, something! will motivate us to make it to the weekend. Maybe it's friends, maybe it's a lover... maybe it's a fondness for Tina Fey of SNL. As I close, I'm reminded of an bit of wisdom President John F. Kennedy shared with me over rum and coke after one of our famed White House frisbee matches. He said, "There's only two things a man needs in life to be happy... a good broad, and someone to sneak her out the back of your house under cover of night so your frigid, home-decorating wife doesn't find out about your obsession with huge gozongas and short skirts." How that relates to the moment at hand, I'm not sure. But I trust you will absorb it. Goodnight, and God bless America.