My plan not to steal the Queen Mary ...

You know what would be awesome? Stealing the ocean liner Queen Mary from Long Beach and taking her out to sea for a festival called, oh, I don't know, "Sexploration '06?"

I won't do it, though. I'll never climb onboard, hotwire the S.O.B. and escape under cover of night with just me and 200 supermodels onboard.

I won't drop anchor off of Catalina Island and proceed to drink for hours before passing out and waking up in the crow's nest. And I certainly would have pants on, if that ever happened, which it won't.

I won't set off a world tour, where I'd stop in at different ports and welcome aboard all of the most beautiful women from the respective country. And I won't freak dance with all of them.

On the second week I won't paint giant nipples on the side of the ship and call it the "Queen Mammary." And it would be in bad taste to replace the low growl of her fog horn with the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps."

It's not for any fear of the law that I'd think twice about this. Unfortunately, the Queen Mary no longer has any boilers. Which means unless I use those supermodels to get out and push, my dream will remain just that.