Things I'm blaming on the Jews this week ...

5. Random bugs showing up in my apartment, forcing me to question my manhood as I let out an impish scream upon catching sight of them.

4. The loose heat shield on my car's exhaust system, which creates a lovely clicking sound when I idle. Bitches love it.

3. Low quality of Stouffer's Beef and Macaroni meal.

2. Turning Michelle Branch into a mommy.

And the No. 1 thing I'm blaming on the Jews this week is ...

1. Irresistibility of Natalie Portman.

Stay tuned for what I'm blaming on the Muslims and Catholics ...