Slippery slope...

I have the sad news to report that noted homosexual Elton John has formed a "civil union" with his partner. If my Red State sources are correct, chaos will be with us by morning.

By 8 a.m. people will begin questioning why they can't marry animals, especially ones that seem so similar to humans. Gorilla love is not far off.

By noon, our whole social system will have broken down, and people will likely be making love to furniture.

By early afternoon, most peoples' genitals will be so sore from being utilized in hedonistic fashion that they'll have to take a break.

This is but the first day of our long struggle to ensure that marriage stays between a man and a woman in the United States. Trust me... take a look at England by 6 p.m. and the truth will be there for us all to see.

Boycott 'Brokeback Mountain'

I've held my tongue long enough. It's about time someone said something negative about the film "Brokeback Mountain."

What kind of country do we live in when a movie about homosexual cowboys gets the most Oscar buzz? The liberals have really done it this time, trying to force their image of something that is an abomination.

In short, where is the lesbian cowgirl movie?

America is more than ready to watch some large-breasted cowgirls in cutoff shorts explore each others' sexuality in a film that will aim to open new eyes through a deep exploration of what love means to women, and also features plenty of cunnilingus.

Ang Lee really let an opportunity pass when he cast Anne Hathaway in "Brokeback" and failed to use her to change attitudes on lesbianism and heavy petting between women. It's like if the Wright brothers had an airplane at their disposal, but instead decided to try to take flight in a refridgerator.

I urge you to boycott "Brokeback Mountain" until the West Coast elitists that run the movie studios listen to real Americans' concerns about gay cowboys, and our unending thirst for women showering together.

Stand strong, America! Your values are still important, and are the best way to ensure a healthy, strong country in the future. And also lots of girl-on-girl action.