A message from the Southern Baptist Convention...

Hello, ultra-virginized Falwell Youth! Welcome to another installment of Jerry's Kids, the only newsletter for the truly saved. This week we have some interesting facts to share with you, and some questions to pose in order to stir those holier-than-thou minds of yours! But don't think too hard, we wouldn't want you to become a member of the intellectual elite! Haha... on with the fun!

SURVEY SAYS...

What are we blaming on uppity women and homosexuals this week?

10% Pickup truck not working

25% Losing favorite Budweiser trucker hat

20% Kelsey Grammer

45% Buring sensation when you urinate

SEX -- SEPERATING THE TRUTH FROM THE MUSLIM-INSPIRED FALSEHOODS

Answers to readers' questions about sex.

1. Is it a sin to think about sex?

Yes, though it is not a sin to think about your wedding day and the nine months post-coitus that you will spend making dinner for your man until a baby or two pops out of your nether regions.

2. I can keep my hands behind my back during the day, but at night sometimes I have dreams I can't control. What should I do if the unmentionable happens?

Feel very guilty and use gloves to remove your sin-soaked sheets.

3. I hear women can have orgasms. Is that true?

Rumors are a dime a dozen nowadays, aren't they?

Well kids, that's all the time we have for now. Until next time... stay chaste and don't "do the deed." Because remember, only geeks freak.

My Living Will

The case of Terri Schiavo has us all confused. It touches on central questions of life and death, government power, and the ability of the modern media to squeeze every last drop out of a moderately interesting story. It leads one to ponder, "What would I want my family to do if I became incapacitated?", "Do we really need the judicial branch, or should we just leave all governing up to the Bush's?", and finally, "Don't we have better things for Anderson Cooper to concern himself with?"

So, to eliminate all confusion, here are my guidelines and directives, if, God forbid, I should ever be in this situation.

IS GREG IN A VEGETATIVE STATE?

A. Present me with a photo of Anne Hathaway from the "Princess Diaries." Is there any response? Am I "stirring" in certain regions? If yes, do not unplug the machine. If no, this could be heading in a bad direction.

B. Show me an episode of Family Guy. Pay close attention to me when Stewie Griffin speaks. Do I chuckle? If yes, I have not yet given up the ghost. If no, life is barely worth living.

C. Make me watch an episode of the Ashley Simpson show. If I try to unplug the machine myself, I am still very much alive. If no response, feel free to use me as a paperweight.

I recommend we all lay down such a procedure and tell our loved ones about it. Otherwise, you just might have a lot of people without full-time jobs standing outside your hospital window trying to make decisions for you. Or people who only have full-time jobs because of who their dad is. Regardless, I hope this has been stimulating for you. Intellectually stimulating.

Here are some boobies: (.)(.)

The last man on earth...

Sometimes I feel like I'm the last man on earth. I come home late at night and ride alongside the gas trucks as they make the rounds to refill the stations for the next day. I huddle in the cold as I walk to my apartment, the lights of Los Angeles ever present, like the warm glow of a nuclear fog. I open my door and turn on television, my only companion through the long night. Then I wait for the silence... It is punctuated at times by the beep of the microwave, calling out to me like a cow at who's teet I will suckle for nourishment.

Anyhow... I haven't posted for a while. Not too much to discuss at the moment... and I've had some really long nights at work with the computers breaking down. Curse the man who made the first abacus. See the road you have sent us down! Curse ye!

Out here in California one of Arnold's great ideas to fix the schools is provide merit pay for teachers. If kids score higher, the teachers get paid more. Sounds good, until you realize that at least half the problem isn't the teachers... but the incredible stupidity of many of America's children. You know it's true. Think back to junior high and high school, when people's grades were determining what colleges they'd get into. There were a lot of idiots. There are still a lot of idiots. Why punish the teachers? I say punish the parents, who are probably idiots too. The ultimate irony is that sex is so simple that even idiots can figure it out. There should at least be some reading required in sex... say, at a sixth grade level. Maybe nature will develop this as a protection against morons. We should probably set up a reading comprehension test for president, too.

I'm off to eat a Hot Pocket. Ha. I think from now on, if someone has an STD, we should say they have a "hot pocket." Sounds dangerous.

Cheers