Some local color

I get off work at 2 a.m., so besides gas stations and jails, there isn't much open at that hour. One other exception is CVS. They're 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So if you need Doritos on Christmas morning, you know where to go!

Anyhow, it's usually empty when I go, but lately there have been some unseemly characters hanging around. Two nights ago it was a homeless man who wanted me to pay for his prescription (when I can barely pay for my own), and tonight what appeared to be prostitutes (who else wears short-shorts at 2 a.m.?).

I fear that next time I'll be greeted by Charles Manson asking me if I'd like to join an exciting new social club. Does this mean I'll have to start visiting 7-11 instead? And what if the same thing happens there? Argh!

What kind of world do we live in when a young man can't go out at 2 a.m. without running into twisted characters? They may feel the same way, I suppose.

My country music debut

Below are the lyrics to "Hog-Faced Woman," from my forthcoming country album debut, "Whole Lotta' Washboards."

If you like what you read, sign up for my street team. We're gonna plaster my posters all over colleges and dive bars in anticipation of my "Alcoholics Victorious Tour."

This one is up-tempo with a real friendly beat:

HOG-FACED WOMAN

Well her pop was mighty rich
And her momma plenty pretty
She drove a real fast car
But it really was a pity
This girl had a mug straight outta space
She was little bit plump and she had a hog-face

Chorus: Hog-faced woman
Don't think this too hard
I'd rather hunt with Cheney
Or guzzle walrus lard
Lovin' you would be too hard on my heart
It's your hog-face, woman, that's keeping us apart

She did alright in school
Went to church on Sunday morn'
Doctor thought he'd seen it all
'Til the day that she was born
Her momma gave a great big push
And out this baby came
Thing was so damn ugly couldn't think of a good name

Chorus

Bridge: Some might say a man like me has got a rotten heart
That maybe insecurity is keepin' us apart
But if the Lord came askin'
Why I don't walk your way
I'd ask him what he was drinkin'
On your birthin' day

Chorus

-FIN-