F is for Fatwa...

I'm fed up. I'm declaring a fatwa on you. That's right, you! You're now the target of my religious proclamation. What does this mean? Read on, poor soul.

That call at 4 am where you just hear breathing and then a dial tone? That's me getting my fatwa on. 4 pizzas delivered on a Monday afternoon? I'm fatwaing your ass! Someone forget to clean out the lint trap in the dryer? Oh yeah, feel my Islamic rage!

Maybe I'll write your name and number in a bathroom stall. Who knows how far my anger will take me? I'm blind to all reason. Maybe I'll chalk the tires on your car when you're parked at the mall, and the security guard will give you a ticket for being there too long. No mercy for the infidel.

Come to think of it, this fatwa thing sounds like a lot of work. I'll simply remove you from my Friendster list. Take that. Allah willing, you'll get the message loud and clear.

Bush: It's Time to Wax

It was said by many that one of the consolations that progressives could take away from the loss of the 2004 presidential election was that the GOP would have to take ownership of policies that many on the Left felt were riddled with errors and oversights from the beginning.

Ding, ding! Order's up!

Due to an arrogance second only to that time I proclaimed myself more popular than Icees, the Bush administration has found itself surrounded by doubters. Over 50% of the population now believe invading Iraq was a mistake.

President Bush has awakened to find an ugly, fat girl lying next to him in bed, and her name is Iraq. He's not quite sure how she got there, or why she's hanging around so long, but everyone can see that he's bagged himself a heffer.

Compound that with his appointment of the unpersonable John Bolton to one of our top diplomatic posts, and Bush has essentially vandalized a bathroom called American foreign policy and left his name smeared in shit across the mirror. At least we know who to send the bill to.

Here's to bringing the troops home soon, pushing the GOP out of Congress in 2006, and sending sanity back to the White House in 2008.

Chew on this...

Number of Americans killed due to homosexual marriage: 0

Number of American troops killed in Iraq: 1,842

Thank you, President Bush, for finding new and innovative ways to fuck America up the ass.