Pimp my vulva

Anderson Cooper 360's blog covers the topic of vaginal rejuvenation, which involves making improvements/renovations to a woman's reproductive organ with a laser. As crazy/awesome as the thought of shooting a laser between some woman's thighs is, people are shelling out thousands of dollars to do it.

What can you change? Well, you can shrink the labia, tighten the canal to pre-birthing diameter, or close the hymen. Bizarre, eh? What's even stranger is that Cooper found a woman who closed her hymen as a gift to her husband... I guess he gets a kick out of de-virginizing women, and it had become creepy to hang out around high schools at his age.

If my wife told me she was thinking about vaginal rejuvenation, the first thing I'd ask is, "Why stop there?" Just kidding. Actually, I just can't foresee a reason to have the surgery unless you have a real medical problem "down there."

Guys, if your girlfriend is so self-conscious that she thinks her labia are too fat, it's time to find another woman. And rebuilding the hymen? If a guy is obsessed with being "the first," he probably has other issues under the surface, and quite possibly human remains in his closet.

To be fair, I haven't seen the results of this surgery. It could very well be that we have the technology to build the $6 Million Snatch. I just don't think we need to.

My Super Sweet 16: Baghdad

By parodying the ridiculous MTV program "My Super Sweet 16," I believe I can encapsulate both what the Muslim world hates about the West, and what the West hates about the Muslim world. I present to you this work in the hopes it will enlighten us all and bring us closer to the day when we can all agree to hate the Chinaman.

Scene opens on a crowded hotel in Baghdad. BAMBI PIERCE is turning 16 today, and her father, deeply involved in the Middle Eastern arms trade, has thrown his "cupcake" a birthday bash for the record books. The All-American Rejects play on stage, and teenagers dance about the hall painted up like Sunset Boulevard hookers.

BAMBI storms in.

BAMBI: But daddy, I asked for the blue BMW, not the white one! You wrecked the most important day of my life! And you had Habib drive it here and now it smells like day-old kabob!

CHRIS PIERCE, father: Cupcake, I'm sorry! I'm sure we can get it repainted at the dealer!

Suddenly there is an explosion and five men wearing scarves around their heads storm into the hall.

TERRORIST 1: Down on the floor, infidel pigs!

BAMBI: I can't get down in this dress! It'll wrinkle!

TERRORIST 2 hits her on the back with the butt of his machine gun.

TERRORIST 1: On your knees, daughter of the Great Deceiver, who has insulted our Prophet's name!

TYRONE, BAMBI's boy toy, tries to come to her rescue. He is promptly decapitated by a sword-wielding TERRORIST 2.

BAMBI: AHHH! Daddy, they killed Tyrone, and I was totally crushing on him!

CHRIS: Oh god, this is about the Dubai deal, isn't it? I thought the merchandise was good!

TERRORIST 3: You told us they were RPGs! They were telescope tubes filled with nails!

CHRIS: Oh geez, just don't hurt my cupcake!

BAMBI gets up and storms over to the terrorists.

BAMBI: You are wrecking the most important day of my life!

TERRORIST 1: Silence, whore! You are painted up like a fallen woman!

BAMBI: Did you just call me a slut? Daddy!

Suddenly, GEORGE W. BUSH enters on a white stallion.

BUSH: Step away, you bunch of camel-humping homos!

TERRORIST 4: George Bush? The great infidel?

BUSH: Shut your trap, sand rat! Chris Pierce donated over $75,000 to my last campaign, and neither I nor Karl Rove is going to let this cash cow come to harm.

TERRORIST 5: And what do you intend to do about it?

BUSH: Thought you'd never ask...

BUSH jumps off his horse, unzips his pants, and begins viciously cock-slapping the terrorists (Remember, everything is bigger in Texas).

TERRORIST 1: He has unleashed a great serpent upon us! Flee! (slap)

The terrorists run out of the building but find it surrounded by Marines, who proceed to pump them full of red, white and blue bullets. John Tesh plays the Star Spangled Banner on piano as a flag is unveiled over the hotel.

CHRIS: Bambi, I'm sorry about Tyrone...

BAMBI: Wait, are those Marines out there? Tyrone who?

FIN.

Terrorist sissies, Part II

File this one under hypocrisy even the Bush folks would scoff at:

A Danish paper printed political cartoons featured Muhammed. They were satirical, with his head dress shaped like a bomb and another in which he remarked that paradise was running out of virgins for all the martyrs.

This has irked most of the Middle East. It has also revealed that many of the countries are decades, if not centuries, away from understanding democracy. Many people are boycotting Danish products, and even burning Danish flags (seriously, is there some kind of Ikea for flags in the Middle East? I wouldn't even know where to find a Danish flag to burn).

Apparently, making a graven image of Muhammed is a sin.

Of course, these people see no irony in burning a flag while condeming someone else for printing a cartoon deemed offensive to them. Nevermind that Arab papers print demeaning things about the United States and Israel every day.

Many other papers in Europe have reprinted the cartoon as an exercise in free speech. The hard lesson that the Arab world has to learn here is that the West values freedom of expression and thought over dogmatic thinking... it's why our most notable flight was to the moon, and Al-Qaeda's was into three buildings and a field.

So suck it up and deal... and instead of worrying about what's going on in Denmark, how about asking your rulers where those billions of dollars worth of oil profits are going? You could buy a lot of flags with that money...