The glitz and glamour of Hollywood shines brightly tonight...

Hey all,

Last night the entire film industry got together to fellate itself in one mass orgy of mediocrity known as the Academy Awards. I hate awards show. Or rather, awards shows that showcase abilities that have no practical application. It's kind of like watching golf. I mean, it's great that Tiger Woods can hit a tiny ball into a hole really far away, but it's also painfully arbitrary. I mean, you might as well give a guy a trophy for skipping rocks off a pond. And actually, that would probably look cooler than a stupid ball flying through the air. Anyhow, back to the awards.

I was working at the newspaper tonight putting up photo galleries, so we had it on in the background. I think Chris Rock was pretty funny. All this BS about him being too edgy was surely made up by the PR agency that handles the Oscars. They said the older members of the Academy were upset about it, this after they gave an award to Roland Polanski last year... of course, the guy couldn't accept it because he's barred from the country for fucking an underaged girl. So Chris Rock being edgy... I don't think that was a problem.

I really haven't gone to the movies very much this year. By this age I think I've seen all 3 plots that Hollywood comes up with. I'm sure there were some good performances, but nothing that would motivate me to pay 20 bucks. You wanna see acting? Look at Jerry Falwell's wife when he tries to "pleasure" her. But I wouldn't pay 20 bucks to see that either.

"Showgirls" is on right now. Amazingly, I've come to the conclusion that all the T&A in the world couldn't save this movie. It's just so horribly written. Cliches all over the place. I see more plot development in the infomercial for "Girls Gone Wild."

I've noticed that my entries are pretty negative. Maybe I'm venting. Or maybe being negative is just funnier than being positive. Here's a bright note: Some friends from C-town are coming out to visit next month. That should be fun. It's interesting to see how people react to L.A. on their first trip out here. Some love it, mostly for the weather and beaches, and others seem really disappointed when they realize that they're not going to see any movie stars on Hollywood Boulevard. But I'm looking forward to it. So there's my positive note. Now leave me alone...

Randomness on a Saturday morning...

Hi there,

Just thought I'd bring up a few things that have been on my mind lately...

First of all, what is up with VH1's Top 20 Countdown? OK, first of all, I remember when it was only a top 10 countdown, and that was sufficient enough. Do we really need a Black Eyed Peas video to stay on the charts for seven weeks, limply heading down the charts like an impotent man's genitals on a disastrous date? The answer is no. Secondly, where did Rachel Perry go? If you don't know who I'm talking about, click here. She actually made it almost tolerable to suffer through Gavin DeGraw and Howie Day. Definition of mediocrity, thy name is Howie. Now they've got some ugly dude with a bad haircut as host. Whatever. I've long since changed the channel in search of John Henson. Whatever happened to that guy?

I'm sick of British bands. All they do now is whine, like Keane and Radiohead. How about getting some damn energy and optimism into their music? They should hand out free Paxil at all of their shows, because it's an untapped market.

Speaking of mediocrity, this is a pretty mediocre entry. Would somebody please post a comment? Make it insulting if you'd like... I'm gonna sign off now, because that stupid Nelly/Tim McGraw video is on, and I've got to change the channel before my whole room becomes filled with suck. On the bright side, though, this is probably the first time that fans of McGraw have seen a black person. Peace.

Buster the Bunny and Osama bin Laden... partners in crime

So by now you've probably heard about the controversy surrounding the PBS show "Postcards from Buster." To make a long story short, the head of the Dept. of Education revealed her displeasure with an episode called "Sugartime," where the animated bunny visits a family on a farm that just happens to have two mommies. To see a short interview with a producer of the show and some clips, hop on over (get it? he's a bunny! I'm a fucking genius!) to www.ifilm.com/viralvideo and click on the Buster tab.

Here's the deal: the Dept. of Education, henceforth to be referred to as "the Man" funds PBS's programming. The head of "the Man", Margaret Spellings, was quite stunned that a woman had found pleasure with another female, and not satisfied her insatiable urge for hot man-juice by getting married in her Lord's church. Children should not be exposed to this, she argued, because it is controversial and their parents may not want to approach such an issue when they're young. I looked at some clips and was sorely disappointed in the show, as well. Not one lesbo sex scene. Not even a nipple slip. What does it portray? A loving family. For Chrissakes, I have my own family! What I don't have are some lesbians offering to show me how to make "sugar."

My own personal disappointment aside, Ms. Spellings is working under two assumptions here. First, children should not be exposed to homosexuality just like they should not watch the evening news to see stories of rape and murder... and the occasional highly suspect war (more on that later). But saying this is equating homosexuality with crimes, which is as perverse idea as I've heard. But of course, it's what most conservatives believe. The second assumption she has is that America's parents are so absolutely inept and unqualified to raise children that they can't come up with a simple summary of why the kids have two mommies that would put the issue to rest. How about this: "It's always ok to love someone. These people love each other. It's pretty complicated stuff, don't worry about it, we'll talk when you get older." I mean, don't they skirt the issue of where babies come from all the time? Which really, would it horrify children that much to know they come from the vagina? But that's red state Amerika. It looks more sinister with a "k," don't you think?

As far as the issue of federal funding going to a controversial cause... shit... y'know, I think I read somewhere that the Iraq war is federally funded. I'm almost sure that's how it works. Which is weird, because you'd think those wealthy defense contractors could pony up some cash to fund it... but maybe the economic slump has hit them, too. So I plan on writing a letter to the Defense Department asking them to please stop using my tax dollars on causes I'm not a full believer in. After all, why should I have to explain to my children why 14,000 Iraqi civilians and over 1,000 American soldiers are dead? Now there's one that even our President has trouble explaining.

I think we're all capable of explaining to children why someone has two mommies or daddies. You don't have to have a discussion of anal sex to provide an answer. Nor do you have to discuss hot lesbo erotica (if you'd like to discuss hot lesbo erotica, cell me). It's just the Bush camp pushing their ideology of human impurity and reinforcing the view of the American idiot that Green Day turned into a best-selling album. Green Day seems like they should be from Britain, don't they? Sorry, I'm off topic. I think that's enough for tonight. God bless America, and God save Ashlee Simpson, before she destroys us all.

A serious consideration of the Left/Right disconnect...

My fellow Americans...
It seems to me that most of this red state/blue state business is caused by the conception that both sides seek to annihilate the other. For example, Prius-driving, carpet-munching lesbians in San Francisco are all but convinced that Jerry Falwell wants to Scotch tape their vaginas shut so that they can never enjoy the pleasure of a woman's company again. To the same effect, sister-marrying, bible-thumping rednecks fear that the homosexuals and liberals are lined up at their state's border, just waiting to move in, set up shop, and marry each other in a display of gayness not seen since Ryan Seacrest started hosting American Idol. Perhaps we all need a reality check. First, to the lesbians...

Don't worry about Jerry Falwell. He has an innate fear of the vagina, and wouldn't go anywhere near one, especially one of the lesbionic persuasion. He's content to push for an anti-gay marriage amendment from the comfort of his cushy office. Take heart... who the Right refers to as "activist judges" are just those who bother to do their job and interpret the laws. There are plenty of them around, and I think you have a fighting chance. Now onto the Red staters...

Don't worry about the lesbians and hot m4m action. The truth is, no self-respecting homosexual would set up shop in Missouri. First of all, you don't have any restaurants that serve exotic European foods and delectable salads from around the world. Your "fashion district" consists of the department stores next to the Hardees restaurant. And finally, the entire south suffers from a leather chaps shortage.

So lets all take comfort in the fact that no one is going to annihilate each other, mostly because we couldn't stand to come into close contact. Let's all be content to go on trudging through our work week with only the thought that something... dear God, something! will motivate us to make it to the weekend. Maybe it's friends, maybe it's a lover... maybe it's a fondness for Tina Fey of SNL. As I close, I'm reminded of an bit of wisdom President John F. Kennedy shared with me over rum and coke after one of our famed White House frisbee matches. He said, "There's only two things a man needs in life to be happy... a good broad, and someone to sneak her out the back of your house under cover of night so your frigid, home-decorating wife doesn't find out about your obsession with huge gozongas and short skirts." How that relates to the moment at hand, I'm not sure. But I trust you will absorb it. Goodnight, and God bless America.