Inside my head ...

Transcript of actual thought process at grocery store upon picking up can of baked beans:

Me: Should I get two? That'll make me really gassy.

My brain: It's not like you're going to eat them both in one night.

I bought the beans. And it's a good thing I got two, because one of them had something growing in it. Ew.

Things I'm blaming on the Jews this week ...

5. Random bugs showing up in my apartment, forcing me to question my manhood as I let out an impish scream upon catching sight of them.

4. The loose heat shield on my car's exhaust system, which creates a lovely clicking sound when I idle. Bitches love it.

3. Low quality of Stouffer's Beef and Macaroni meal.

2. Turning Michelle Branch into a mommy.

And the No. 1 thing I'm blaming on the Jews this week is ...

1. Irresistibility of Natalie Portman.

Stay tuned for what I'm blaming on the Muslims and Catholics ...

My Favorite Iraqi

Remember the statue of Saddam that the Marines pulled down after the fall of Baghdad? It's been replaced with a modernist sculpture designed by Iraqi artists that is supposed to represent freedom.

However, many Iraqis feel the sculpture is mocking them because the situation in Iraqi is so bad. This is where my favorite Iraqi comes in. His name Is Mohammed Ahmed, and he made this comment about the freedom sculpture:

"I was talking about it today to some friends telling them that I wish a mortar round would hit and free us from it..."

This man must be awesome. To be able to make an ironic joke in the midst of a horrible situation is the definition of resilience. I think we need to focus more on funny arabs and less on flag-buring, decapitating ones. You can read the full article here.

It gave me a chuckle.

What kind of jihadist are you?

What kind of jihadist are you?

Score: 30%

You are a lazy jihadist. You don't much believe in the cause and have signed on mostly for the cool bandana and shock value to your parents. You prefer to tend to administrative duties as opposed to suicide attacks. You don't hate Jews or Americans, but do hold a mildly disturbing paranoia about the Dutch. In time you'll grow tired of the desert heat and will settle for a corporate job in a suburb of Cincinatti.

What kind of jihadist are you?