Terrorist sissies...

I'm fair and balanced. My last post was called "American idiots." This one is about terrorists with weak stomachs.

I have to get my two cents in about the issue of terrorist treatment at Guantanimo Bay. I'm finding myself pushed towards the center of the political spectrum lately, and it's because the left goes crazy over stupidity like this.

There's a difference between torture (i.e., getting put on the rack, having testicles singed on a BBQ, watching Mariah Carrie's "Glitter") and what's going on at Camp X-Ray. Keeping people awake for a long periods, making them stand for hours on end, and having female soldiers ridicule detainees is not torture. It's humiliation and discomfort. We have a name for that in America: high school.

If you're telling me that adding some discomfort to a terrorist's life is against the Geneva Convention, I'll offer to find this Geneva guy and beat the shit out of him. Yeah, I know, Geneva is a place. But the joke wouldn't work with that.

These terrorists claim to be macho freedom fighters. They can't take a display of dominance by a woman or a stray Koran tossed on the floor? Give me a break. Sorry if it "rocks your world," Mustafa, but deal with it. You don't seem to have any problem burning a flag (which I support people's right to do), but you go soft on the Koran? Grow a pair.

The truth is, if the situation were reversed and I was in an Al-Qaeda prison, I'd lose my head within a week... literally. So Camp X-Ray may not reinforce high self-esteem for members of Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, but it's not supposed to.

As for the far left of the Democratic Party... if you don't get your head on straight and stop whining about inconsequential things while passing horrid pro-business legislation along with the GOP... I'm gonna sit you all down and make you watch "Glitter." And then you'll know the price of ignorance... and probably be a little aroused.

American idiots...

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

-- Winston Churchill

I just thought I'd throw this quote out there for the 51% of the electorate that voted for Pres. Bush. Some of them seem to be regretting the choice. The president's poll numbers are low, with the majority of people believing the Iraq war was a mistake. Better late than never, I guess. Though if I were one of the tens of thousands of killed in this war, I'd be a bit peeved at the lack of strategy and foresight the administration put into the conflict.

They say those who neglect history are doomed to repeat it. It seems the American people have an extremely short memory. How, after less than half a century, did some people forget the lessons of Vietnam and Watergate? The president is not deserving of trust by default ... he, like everyone else in the world, must earn it.

And George W. Bush certainly failed in that task. The one consolation to those of us who voted against this president twice is that the Iraq war and the ensuing chaos is his baby - blood on his administration's hands, if you will. There's really no need to say, "We told you so," as the call of the bugle next to flag-draped coffins sends a much more jarring message to the masses. President Bush failed us, but more tragically, the nation failed itself. I can only hope that our solution to the problem relies on sound judgement instead of the reckless arrogance that got the nation embroiled in this mess.

I wonder what Tom Cruise thinks of this? Wait, I don't give a fuck.

5 Ways to Kill the Mood...

Five things to avoid saying to a woman when trying to "get busy:"

"That looks infected."

"Those are almost as big as my last girlfriend's."

"What's my motivation?"

"On second thought, let's turn the lights off."

"You look just like that woman on TV... what's her name? Oprah!"

Consider this my PSA for all of you guys out there. These are all from personal experience... and many a supermodel went home upset. But I've learned, and lucky for me, supermodels are very forgiving. And hungry. They're also very hungry.

Fact check...

Well, call it a Fox News moment. While I try to keep this blog rooted in reality and based on solid facts, it seems that a couple months ago I made a mistake. I mentioned, with much surprise, that "Las Vegas" actress Vanessa Marcil, seen here, was once married to Corey Feldman. This is apparently an urban legend that has been spread around. She claims she only did drugs with him. So I apologize for the inaccuracy, and for the fact that I might have given hope to so many young men that they had a chance with someone as smokin' hot as Ms. Marcil.

But actually, it'd be kind of cool to do drugs with her, too. No hard drugs, mind you. Just the kind that lull you into a restful peace so that you can enjoy each other's company on a totally new level. And then, you know, talk about feelings.

This is a "no-spin zone," and I'm sorry for the mistake. Though I was dead on about the weapons of mass destruction. And, to be fair, no one died as a result of my error. Take that, O'Reilly.

No one is reading this blog...

I am under the impression that no one is reading this blog anymore. Perhaps my assertion that "Loving the Ladies" is more popular than Jesus was a little premature. The blog, I mean. Because actually "loving the ladies" is popular across religious boundaries, except for the fundamentalist Muslims, who hate them. I mean, I'm sure Osama bin Laden would enjoy plowing a good Muslim woman as much as the next guy, but instead of pillow talk, he'd yank her veil back down and tell her to make him some hummus. This kind of shit doesn't fly with American women, believe me. Many a night I've been left to seek out my own hummus.

Since no one's reading, I'm going to unload with some controversy.

This leads me to a comedic piece I've been planning on writing about the differences between Americans and Islamo-fascists. See, as an American male, the pinnacle of success for me is getting a blowjob from a beautiful woman in a Lamborghini. For an Islamo-fascist, the ideal is beating a woman on a camel. Which one of us has the better goal? Well, mine is certainly more difficult to attain. I mean, an American has to find both a beautiful woman willing to fornicate with him and own a Lamborghini. That's a pretty high order.

The Islamo-fascist, on the other hand, just has to acquire any old woman and any old camel. And beating her, while morally reprehensible, is quite a bit easier than convincing her to get into the sack. But in the end, I must say the American way is superior. I mean, you have a great car and a willing partner if you succeed. If bin Laden succeeds, all he has is a degraded woman and a smelly camel. Though he probably smells pretty bad, too, so he may not be aware of the latter.

The Christian fundamentalist, interestingly, tries to combine both goals, attaining sexual pleasure but also making the woman feel like less of a person. Admittedly, anyone who's had sex with Jerry Falwell must feel like they've lost something afterwards.

Any comments on this? Am I a misogynistic bastard for even sharing such a theory? Or do I just hate fundamentalists? And how many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? And if he choses to skip down that road, is he less of a man?

Cue the music... Ladies and gentleman, Greg has left the building!