Excerpt from Justice Sunday...

Following are highlights from Sen. Bill Frist's (R) address to evangelicals in Lousville, KY:

"It's a pleasure to be with you here in this pre-recorded message. I'd be there in person, but I missed the only wagon train heading out to Kentucky last week."

"I'd like to start things out with a joke, to show that we 'people of faith' aren't all stiff, no-nonsense nellies. What do a hell-bound homosexual and Ashlee Simpson have in common? Both commit a mortal sin when they open their mouths! Oh, I love that one. Of course, let's not forget that Ashlee's father, a former Baptist minister, has found that he can serve the Lord best by pimping out his daughters. We each have our own path to the Truth."

"Dissent in a democracy by a minority can prove fatal. When the majority speak, no matter how small a sampling of the population actually shows up to vote, it is important that we listen. And from this past election we learned two things: Number one, Americans seem to have a newfound fondness for brown shirts. And also, the path to the new Israel leads through that bastion of purity, Washington D.C."

"President Bush has picked out some fine judges for the courts. He has shown the same discerning eye and sharp intellect as he did examining the reports of weapons in Iraq. He has led the armed forces with such vigor and vision that we were able to take over that most dangerous country in merely two weeks. The events of the ensuing months, I can assure you, are just details."

"Peace is war, slavery is freedom, some animals are more equal than others. Remember that as you head off to the Sonic station to enjoy your dinner, paid for by welfare and social security checks that will soon no longer burden your pockets, we in Washington are working hard on your behalf. Gone are the days of Presidents soiling the Oval Office... for our fair leader wears a bib."

Spitting on celebrities...

You may have caught a story the other day about a Vietnam vet spitting on Jane Fonda at a booksigning for her "My Life So Far." I understand where this guy is coming from. Though my rage has less to do with Jane Fonda being a tool of the Viet Cong back during 'Nam as it does with the fact that she's a celebrity, and by nature a tool.

The fact that she would even think that anyone with two brain cells to rub together would want to read about her life of privilege is enough to make me dry heave until my throat is sore. What possible insight could she have to share? So far as I've heard, the biggest jewel we get out of the book is that she had a threesome once. Wow. Exciting. I have a threesome every night in my head, but you don't see me writing about it! (Incidentally, if you'd like more info, e-mail me).

This got me thinking... a great way to raise money and eliminate taxes altogether would be to get a group of celebs and media personalities from both the left and right, and charge a handsome fee to spit and/or urinate on them. Think of it. $50 and you can spit on Janeane Garofalo. $75 and Sean Hannity takes a yellow shower. And for $100, you can do both to Michael Savage. I'd take all three of those, and maybe throw in a little extra if they don't whine too much.

Where in the government will this money go? The celeb can dictate that. Garofalo might send it towards school funding, while Hannity would pass it on to the military. I don't know what Savage would do with it, but if it's anything like his show, it probably wouldn't make much sense.

Pop culture is now based on the assumption that you can't think for yourself. What do Garofalo, Hannity, Savage, and O'Reilly know that you don't? None of them are privy to any information that you can't go find at your local Borders. And as for Fonda, I still can't fathom what she could say that would be worth my plopping down $25 and investing a few nights in her book.

Garofalo, on the other hand, wrote a pretty funny book with Ben Stiller a few years back. It doesn't stink of hemp-wearing leftist propaganda, as I recall. That came later, after the film "Mystery Men."

My rage at Hollywood and Fox News runneth over, and it is time to relax (read: stare at self in mirror and weep when remembering the man I used to be).

Musings from left edge...

I'm going to start out with Tom DeLay. This guy just keeps opening his mouth and dropping gems right into my lap. Though if he reaches down to pick them up, I'm suing him for sexual harrasment. Anyhow, try this one on for size, from an AP article:

However, DeLay has called repeatedly for the House to find a way to hold the federal judiciary accountable for its decisions. “The judiciary has become so activist and so isolated from the American people that it’s our job to do that,” he said.

The judiciary is isolated from the American people? The flip side of this that the journalists should have thrown back at him was, "Is it possible that the American people have become isolated from the founding principles of the nation?" Judges are schooled in the law... they spend many hours studying the Constitution and case law. The American people do not. I'm gonna trust the judge before I go with the opinion of the guy sitting next to me, no matter how many "support the troops" bumper stickers he has on his F-150.

Where was Tom DeLay when the Supreme Court stopped the 2000 recount? I'm not sour over that. I didn't call for the political heads of the judges involved. What Tom DeLay is revealing is a contempt for any constraints on Congressional power, and that's much more scary than his ethics problems. To publicly call out a Supreme Court justice like he recently did smacks of arrogance and a disrespect for the founding principles of the nation.

Hopefully DeLay will be handed his balls on a platter this year for his shady dealings. His rhetoric is nothing short of ridiculous and I hope that other members of his party see this and don't try to emulate it. I get the feeling that the Republicans are more than ready to devour their own, however, if he continues to slip up. This guy may call himself a conservative, but he's single handedly trying to fuck every American citizen... just not with his pasty-white trouser snake. He's trying to mind fuck you, and that can be just as dangerous as an STD.

It's exhausting to write about assholes, but it also leaves one feeling pretty content.

Yellow (sissy) journalism...

Most newspapers run obituary features. It's a time for family members to pay tribute to their loved one. The thing is, for an outside reader, the columns are painfully cliche and seem rather disingenous. That's because the survivors only say good things. It's so formulaic that I can lay one out for you now:

So-and-so, a father/mother of some number of kids died some day of something. He/she enjoyed playing some instrument, listening to some bad musical genre, and talking to family or friends.

"I'll always remember his/her smile," said offspring. "She/he just had a way of brightening up a room."

Now let's be serious. That's canned bullshit. If you want to provide a real service, chronicle real people. Here's one I think would go over well, and refresh many peoples' faith in the honesty of the media:

Jonathan Peters, a father of one, died Friday of lung cancer. He was 78. Jonathan was born in Boston, where he drank heavily and eventually caught the eye of a desperate young girl with low self esteem. The two married and soon his wife, Luanne, was pregnant with their first son. Jonathan soon fled the relationship, refusing to provide any kind of material support for his new son.

"He was always pretty cold to me," said his son, Tom. "Occasionally I'd get a birthday card from wherever he was living at the time. There was never any money for presents or food in it. Come to think of it, the only difference between him being alive or dead to me is that for once in my life, I'll know where he is."

Luanne had similar memories of Jonathan.

"He was never much of a provider, never very ambitious. He left me to raise a child on my own, and I had to work three jobs just to make ends meet. He's actually lucky lung cancer got him, because if I ever saw him again I was likely to cut his balls off with a rusty hacksaw and choke him with them," Luanne said.

Funeral arrangements have not yet been made. "We're either gonna cremate him or bury him, whichever is cheaper. Honestly, we'd just throw him on the curb if we could, but the state has laws against that kind of thing," said Tom.

Jonathan is survived by his son, ex-wife, and two brothers, who, rumor has it, are also good-for-nothing cock suckers.

I think people would pay to put this kind of thing in the paper. Plus, the dead person can't sue for lible! It's a great deal all around! When I found my paper, this will be a feature for sure.

Big Business and the Bible

Want to puzzle President Bush? OK, it's not that much of a challenge, but run this one by him:

Exodus 22:25- If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury.

"Usury" is, of course, the practice of charging interest on a loan. Seems while the good Lord didn't say anything about abortion or life support issues in the Bible, he/she did mention that charging interest on a loan to a less fortunate person is wrong.

So, Mr. Bush, and for that matter, any politician who claims to be carrying the torch of faith, why do we allow banks and credit card companies to charge interest? Seems that it doesn't mesh with this verse. It almost seems like God is saying... and I'd hate to speak for him/her... but it seems that God wants the more fortunate to help the less fortunate and not expect any earthly reward.

Almost sounds like... communism. Almost sounds like God might not drive an SUV and read "Left Behind" novels. Abraham Lincoln said it best, I think, when he noted that he was less worried about whether God was on our side than whether we were on God's. Food for thought.

Making the news more interesting...

The news can be boring. It requires us to think. But I've developed a new form of journalism that sexes things up a bit. Here's an example... an original passage from the AP:

DeLay seemed at pains to soften, if slightly, his rhetoric of March 31, when Schiavo died despite an extraordinary political and legal effort to save her life.

"I believe in an independent judiciary. I repeat, of course I believe in an independent judiciary," DeLay said.

At the same time, he added, the Constitution gives Congress power to oversee the courts.

"We set up the courts. We can unset the courts. We have the power of the purse," DeLay said.
Asked whether he favors impeachment for any of the judges in the Schiavo case, he did not answer directly.

Good enough, but not very sexy. Watch what happens with just a few little changes:

DeLay seemed at pains to soften, if slightly, his rhetoric of March 31, when Schiavo died despite an extraordinary political and legal effort to save her life.

"I believe in an independent judiciary. I repeat, of course I believe in an independent judiciary," DeLay said, grabbing a virgin clad in white, embracing her, and sinking his teeth into her creamy-white neck.

At the same time, he added, the Constitution gives Congress power to oversee the courts.

"We set up the courts. We can unset the courts. We have the power of the purse," DeLay said while wiping the blood off his face. Asked whether he favors impeachment for any of the judges in the Schiavo case, he did not answer directly, but cackled, raising his cape before him and disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Now that's news! It's late, I must go to sleep. By morning I expect several lawsuits.

My favorite branch of government...

I've never thought about what my favorite branch of government is. Honestly, it's kind of a lame thing to think about. But given the events of the past few years, I think I have to go with the judicial branch. Basically, judges have managed to piss off both liberals (decision to stop the 2000 recount) and conservatives (Terri Schiavo case). And really, in that profession, if you're pissing off both sides you're probably doing your job.

What so many people seem to have forgotten is that judges actually constitute a third branch of government. It is, in fact, their job to look at laws and find out if Congress has gone completely fucking nuts. Many congressmen and women seem to think it's their job to rubber stamp their ideas and give them validity. Sorry, but I took the constitution test in junior high and high school, and while I'll be damned if I remember how a bill becomes a law (I think it has to wait on the Capitol steps for a long time talking to passersby), I do know that judges have a check on our elected representatives.

If conservatives aren't railing against "activist" judges who can't find the part where Thomas Jefferson said, "No two men shall fucketh and receive wedding vows," they're complaining about "inactivist" judges who won't step in and do their bidding. With the Republicans basically running the government, their likely going to butt heads more with the judiciary than the Democrats, who I believe are spending most free weekends outside of D.C. at their parents' houses on the lake.

Liberals are very concerned about conservative judges being appointed to the Supreme Court, as well they should be. But these judges also have to have reasoning behind their decisions. Maybe they can find a reason not to allow gays to marry, but I think it will be hard. I hear the secret version of the Constitution kept by the shadowy "Council of Elders" doesn't mention gay rights. The judicial branch, more than any other, is there to keep a watch on the government and smack that bitch down when it messes up. If only they could run some of my ideas through the mill. Then I never would have made these shorts out of cherry pie. Lots of scrubbing ahead tonight.

Is it country? Is it folk? Does it matter?

I'm going to do something that you probably never thought you'd see on this blog. I'm linking to Country Music Television to share an artist with you that I've been following for a bit. Her name is Mindy Smith and she's simply a knockout in all respects. Her voice is angelic, and I don't use that term lightly. She's like the antithesis of Gilbert Godfried. Luckily, she's his opposite in looks, too. You can see her video for "One Moment More," a touching tribute to her mother, here.

Let's get something straight. CMT is mostly attrocious. They broadcast the kind of country music that encourages people to buy SUVs and send their kids off to war for cheap gas. But Mindy Smith is not that kind of artist. First of all, I think she's too small for an SUV. But that aside, she's not annoyingly twangy or preachy. She's originally from New York, actually, and has a delightful "New Yowker" accent when she speaks.

So do yourself a solid and check her music out. She's going to be in Chicago this spring, and hopefully in L.A. soon. And guys, I think this kind of music would sit well with your ladies. Not that they don't enjoy AC/DC, but lets face it, it's not good mood music.

Peace out.

Fascist beauty standards... don't blame it on the Nazis

I was reading through the letters that our newspaper prints in the opinion section. One was about someone who had criticized some American Idol contestants for being fat. The author of the letter accused him of buying into "fascist beauty standards." I must disagree.

First off all, I don't consider myself particularly good looking. Moderate, I guess. Women never went out of their way to avoid me. But I don't blame people's physical preferences on Hollywood or skinny models. Here's the deal... sexual attraction was around way before Hollywood. Hollywood just realized that by putting certain types of people in the spotlight, they'd get a bigger audience. Think about it this way: if someone were born on a desert island and never saw a man, would they rather look at Woody Allen or Tom Cruise? Roseanne or Eva Longoria? I don't think we'd be surprised by their choices.

In this capitalist country, if there were a market for funny looking or grossly overweight models, someone would have found it. It just forces all of us to admit the fact that we're not all as good looking as we'd like. This shouldn't affect how we look at each other as people. It's just a fact of life. The sooner we all come to terms with this, the sooner we can stop hating Kate Moss and give her a sandwich. I expect some responses from you all... ugly and attractive ones alike.

God has a sense of humor...

Take a look here: http://www.stuffmagazine.com/cover_girls/girl.aspx?id=329 . That's Vanessa Marcil, an actress on the show "Las Vegas." You're thinking, "OK, Greg. Thanks for letting me in on your latest spank session." Well, smartass, you've got it all wrong. The reason I'm showing you this women is because something about her past floored me. What is it? Did she grow up in my hometown? Did we go to the same university? Did she give me herpes? No, no, and the jury's still out on the last one. All kidding aside (though herpes isn't that funny to those who have it. Just ask Bob Dole.), the thing that surprised me... no, downright befuddled me... is that she was married to Corey Feldman. That's right, that Corey Feldman. The guy so inconsequential that I haven't even checked if I spelled his name right (and I'm a perfectionist). I guess it just goes to prove that God has a sense of humor, or else that youth and alcohol lead to bad decisions.

So, my single friends, you needn't fret. One day you may meet a hot piece of T&A much better than you in almost all ways imaginable (though you do do that thing where you can put your whole fist in your mouth, and that's pretty impressive), and his/her judgement may be clouded enough to agree to share the same bed with you. A cautionary note: Mrs. Feldman went back to being Ms. Marcil after just three years, and apparently later got engaged to that whatshisface Austin Greene guy from "90210". I didn't check the spelling on his name either. You've gotta wonder if she just doesn't hang around the unemployment line in Hollywood.

Good luck, my friends. May the force of Feldman be with you.

Congressman ISO Vegetable for exploitative affair

Me: House majority leader, old fashioned, creepy look in my eyes. Have a penchant for denial.

You: Vegetable on the verge of death. Must have been attractive in youth. Must be able to divert attention from continuing ethics investigation by bringing personal family matters to the national stage.

For more information, check out this homosexual, liberal media site: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A28319-2005Apr5.html?nav=rss_business

P.S.: Caucasian women preferred.

Gwen Stefani... WHY?

Gwen Stefani may have the best legs in music... perhaps even outside of music. But even that doesn't really excuse the melodic mayhem she's unleashed upon the world with her solo album. Granted, I've only heard the singles, but it's pretty "wack," as the kids say. "Rich Girl" was interesting... taking something old and making it new again. But the rest of the stuff is just bizarre. And what's with the fat asian posse she has? If I wanted to see fat asians I'd watch sumo. Japanese girls over 250 lbs. are hardly Japanese at all.

I guess this post is just to appeal to Ms. Stefani/Mrs. "Bush lead-singer guy" and ask... what are you doing? Because some of us are frightened. This music doesn't sound like it came out of Orange County at all.

Changing topics... why is Fox News so obsessed with the Michael Jackson trial? They give it more coverage than anyone. Is this Bill O'Reilly's work? I don't recall a vibrator being mentioned, but ya gotta wonder if he's somehow behind the coverage. They seem to be obsessed with the sex-ploitation that they claim to loathe so much. Odd. Ah, well. Peace out, my homies.

The pope with the most...

I'm not Catholic, nor do I agree with a lot of what he says, but I have to admit, I like this pope. I mean, you have to be pretty hard-core to forgive the guy who tried to kill you (perhaps at the behest of the KGB, as a recent report suggested). And the pope has been very consistent with his idea of a "culture of life", unlike some people I know of (Texas' executioner... ahem). Though I don't agree with all of his interpretations, at least he has a point he believes in.

In a related story, I was watching the AP news ticker last night and some strange things came across. Conflicting stories about the Pope were driving the newsroom crazy. Here's a sampling:

"Italian news agency reports the Pope is in a coma."

"Italian news agency reports Pope is dancing a jig."

"Vatican denies 'jig' alert."

"Spanish newspaper reporting Pope has made it to the Final Four."

Weird, huh? And here's something to think about as I close... Imagine being as sick as the Pope is, and having hundreds of thousands of people outside your window waiting for you. And the whole world talking about your urinary tract infection. Lame.