Ranting...

Some right-wingers, including our fair president, are of the opinion that 5-day old embryos are human lives. Because of this, stem cell research, regardless of its promises to save much older lives, is immoral.

Following this logic, sperm is a potential life that shouldn't be snuffed out. If this is the case, I wipe out a small American city every time the Girls Gone Wild infomercial comes on. It can't be true, if only because I can't live with that kind of guilt.

It's the ultimate perversion, that a "shoot first, ask questions and collect intelligence later" president would attempt to lecture Americans on the sanctity of life. According to the White House, while it is a mortal sin to pluck a microscopic embryo from a petri dish, sending American teens to die in a war predicated on a lie is patriotic.

Now the military is having trouble recruiting. Those teens who were seduced by the Army for the college money or a sense of patriotism have now been deployed, and the military is having to make the pitch to people who have other options in life. And suddenly going to junior college for two years or working the night shift bartending for tuition money is a lot more inviting than hopping in a Humvee and trusting in W.'s judgement.

I'd sooner get Natalie Portman into the sack than a Marine recruiter could convince an average kid to sign up and risk deployment to the Middle East. And that's without using roofies.

The truth of the matter is that the majority of Americans have woken up and realized this war was a mistake. It might have made us feel warm and fuzzy for a while, and we did get rid of a horrible dictator, but we're facing the fact that if you want to clean up a region best described as the Port-o-let of the world, you'd better have enough disinfectant to do the job.

People talk about the Republicans being in a position of power. Right now their's is a reign built on popsicle sticks. If the situation in Iraq doesn't improve and Americans come home in boxes at an increasing rate while Bush rambles on about spreading democracy to the world, the party could be kicked out in the next election.

The Republican party is like the slutty prom queen. She's at the top on prom night when she gives her speech and wears her crown, but everyone knows she's pregnant and they'll be calling her a tramp when she pushes out a baby a few months later.

I wish the people of Iraq the best. I hope that they get their government and security forces together. But I won't sacrifice my life or the lives of my loved ones for it. Does that make me unpatriotic or a coward? Or does it make me pro-life?

I want to eat your sex... wait, what?

The Carl's Jr./Hardees Paris Hilton burger ad has the Parents Television Council up in arms. The commercial is pretty suggestive, but I don't take issue with the morality of it. More than anything, it confuses me.

Sex sells a lot of things, but I don't think it works for food. In fact, after watching the ad ( SpicyParis.com ) I can attest to the fact that there is nothing more confusing than having an erection and a growling stomach simultaneously.

Both organs are asking me to fulfill a primal need. And both organs are close to my heart (so punny!). This is further complicated by the fact that I'm not sure what to think of Paris Hilton. Parts of her are sexy, and then others resemble an alien. In short, I'm torn between eating a burger or fucking someone who may or may not be an extraterrestrial. This is a lot for me to handle, and I could see why the PTC would be apprehensive about little kids considering this. You might just fry their innocent minds.

So from now on, unless they're pushing edible underwear, I don't think companies should use sex to sell food. For once, I find myself on the same side as the conservatives. But it's mostly because, in a fit of confusion, I ended up having sex with a bacon cheeseburger. And let me tell you, that's a sorry excuse to wreck a set of sheets.

An Army of None...

For all their supposed hatred of Hollywood and the Left, Republicans seem to watch more TV than I do. They especially like to cozy up in front of the tube to watch Bill Maher... and this is what has some of them rattled this time.

Rep. Spencer Bachus, R-Ala., caught a clip of Maher reacting to the fact that the Army missed its April recruiting goal by 42%. Maher said, "More people joined the Michael Jackson fan club. We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit, and now we need warm bodies."

Bachus said the remark bordered on treason and that, while Maher shouldn't be prosecuted, he should be taken off of the air.

Maher may have painted with too broad a brush (though I don't see how it could be construed as treason), but his highlighting the struggles the military is now having should be in the spotlight.

The military is getting desperate for new recruits, and they should put blame for this where it rightfully belongs: the politicians, and more specifically, the architects of the Iraq war. Whether or not you believe they outright lied or not, the Bush administration showed horrible judgement in the lead up to the war, relying on scant evidence and much hearsay to make their case to invade Iraq. And, to be fair, public opinion suggested there are plenty of "low-lying" voters out there who are easily convinced.

It's no wonder that young men and women are not enlisting, and it has little to do with left/right ideology. If you can't trust your leader to have good judgement, whatever his/her pary, why would you put your life in their hands? This is especially true when the current reasons for the war have been clouded in Wilsonian ideology that didn't work the first time around.

Maher isn't the culprit here... it's a political machine that was all to eager to use the military without careful planning. If Maher can be chastised for comparing our enlisted men and women to "low-lying fruit", the Bush adminstration should be held accountable for treating them like nothing more.

Those sneaky Democrats...

Democratic techniques for delaying the vote on Bush's level-minded judicial nominees:

"Geez, um, I'm getting pretty hungry. Can we do this after lunch?"

"I think I left the stove on in the Congressional kitchen. Lemme go check that out."

"I've got a headache."

"We just voted yesterday. Can't we go outside and play Ultimate Frisbee?"

"I've gotta go blow my intern."

"Hold on, I'm getting blown by my intern."

"Wait, now we're cuddling."

(Un) intelligent design...

Apparently Kansas is in the throws of deciding whether or not to teach "intelligent design" in schools as an alternative to evolution. Proponents of ID rightly assert that evolution is a theory, and they say that students should be presented with all views on creation.

Whatever this debate has shown about divisions of opinion in the U.S., what is really reveals is people's misunderstanding of what constitutes science.

To begin with, very few things, if any, can be considered facts. It's very hard to prove something beyond all doubt. Evolution is a theory. But so is aerodynamics. And yet millions of people still board planes each year, trusting that this "theory" will hold out at least for the time being and that the plane won't plummet from the sky.

What scientific theories consist of are detailed observations and peer review. Theories are rigorously tested over and over to gather knowledge and form an opinion. Unfortunately, there's no way to do this with ID, and so it can't be considered a science, much as astrology can't be classified as such.

There's also a distrust of science, which seems to be largely informed by fictional works such as Frankenstein. When talking about cloning, people will refer to movies where organs are harvested, and genetically modified foods are called "Frankenfoods." What many people fail to mention is that these fears are based on fiction. Frankenstein never existed, and organs haven't been harvested. The Nazis may have been aiming for genetic purity, but they went about doing it in a conventional way, using military might to bring about a reign of terror.

Religious beliefs can bring you spiritual comfort, but they have very little power to bring physical results. Antibiotics will cure an infection, prayer will not. Most people seem to accept this, continuing to opt for expensive healthcare rather than the cheaper route of seeing a pastor and hoping for the best.

Intelligent design may have a place in education, but if so, it's in philosophy class. That's where questions of divine will and creation thrive. You don't have to believe evolution has the answers, but you'll be hard pressed to find much evidence that our soldiers are currently wandering through the former Garden of Eden.

Gosh... not one penis joke. I'll have to make up for that in my next post.

1984 Redux

I'm trying to adjust the antenna on my television. It's an old black and white set from Sears. I can't get the station I want, and finally I sit back and watch one of the few channels that comes in decently.

"Welcome back to Fox! Do you love tits? I mean REALLY love them? Stay tuned, because up next we have reporter Shep Smith in the San Fernando Valley, where he'll meet a woman with the biggest bozongas in the country... and she's gonna show you EVERYTHING!"

I reach for my can of Coke. It's long since gone flat but I don't have another. A naked news anchor appears on screen. She's tall and leggy, a flat stomach, pert breasts. Nipples stand at attention. She's talking about new sexual positions... kama sutra stuff. She throws to another naked anchor, a muscular man with a hard-on.

"Thanks Darcy! We've got a treat for you tonight. Lindsay Lohan in her first anal scene... with Kobe Bryant!"

He rolls to video but I don't watch. It's been nonstop hardcore action for two years. Almost every channel went this way after the decency standards were lifted. But after a while it all starts to look the same. Seen one firm ass, seen them all. There's only one channel that's interesting, that has something to say. But it's got a weak signal and doesn't come through most of the time.

I crawl back towards the set but spill my Coke on the way. I'm too lazy to reach for the garbage can, so I just drop it over the antenna. Then I try to switch the station again. This time I'm getting a better reception because of the aluminum can.

"Girls on girls, next!"

"Mmmm... now that's a new recipe for loving!"

"Today... reports in... Iraq..." I find the station I'm looking for and fool with the antenna again.

"Insurgent attacks... increased... 200 dead in the last month. Going better than the Iranian front... nearly 2,000 this year... bioterrorism."

I start dabbing at the spilled Coke with an old t-shirt. The news here is the same as it was yesterday, but somehow it's more comforting to listen to something real. To know that I'm hearing something that they'd rather I not be. It makes me feel like I'm resisting, even though the time for that has probably passed.

And I have to listen. Because it's more likely they'll mention my brother or best friend on this station. More likely I'll be a part of the story. This station doesn't cut away to commercial. No one gets very hungry during the body count.