Haikus of great beauty

From my new collection of poems, "Syllables from a Sexy Scorpio:"


1. I love fuzzy dogs
They remind me of my past
And why I have no left leg

2. We should get naked
It is a romantic night
Don't mind my grandpa

3. Once I had a dream
An eagle soared with great grace
I ate it for lunch

4. I have many blogs
But please keep checking this one
I will talk dirty

Some local color

I get off work at 2 a.m., so besides gas stations and jails, there isn't much open at that hour. One other exception is CVS. They're 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So if you need Doritos on Christmas morning, you know where to go!

Anyhow, it's usually empty when I go, but lately there have been some unseemly characters hanging around. Two nights ago it was a homeless man who wanted me to pay for his prescription (when I can barely pay for my own), and tonight what appeared to be prostitutes (who else wears short-shorts at 2 a.m.?).

I fear that next time I'll be greeted by Charles Manson asking me if I'd like to join an exciting new social club. Does this mean I'll have to start visiting 7-11 instead? And what if the same thing happens there? Argh!

What kind of world do we live in when a young man can't go out at 2 a.m. without running into twisted characters? They may feel the same way, I suppose.

My country music debut

Below are the lyrics to "Hog-Faced Woman," from my forthcoming country album debut, "Whole Lotta' Washboards."

If you like what you read, sign up for my street team. We're gonna plaster my posters all over colleges and dive bars in anticipation of my "Alcoholics Victorious Tour."

This one is up-tempo with a real friendly beat:

HOG-FACED WOMAN

Well her pop was mighty rich
And her momma plenty pretty
She drove a real fast car
But it really was a pity
This girl had a mug straight outta space
She was little bit plump and she had a hog-face

Chorus: Hog-faced woman
Don't think this too hard
I'd rather hunt with Cheney
Or guzzle walrus lard
Lovin' you would be too hard on my heart
It's your hog-face, woman, that's keeping us apart

She did alright in school
Went to church on Sunday morn'
Doctor thought he'd seen it all
'Til the day that she was born
Her momma gave a great big push
And out this baby came
Thing was so damn ugly couldn't think of a good name

Chorus

Bridge: Some might say a man like me has got a rotten heart
That maybe insecurity is keepin' us apart
But if the Lord came askin'
Why I don't walk your way
I'd ask him what he was drinkin'
On your birthin' day

Chorus

-FIN-

Things are looking "up"

Have you seen the Cialis commerical where the announcer talks about how awesome your tallywacker will be once you take the ED drug, and at the end gives the warning about priapism?

He says something along the lines of, "If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor."

Fair enough - but first I'm calling my friends.

"Dude, guess what I've been doing for four hours? Oh yeah!"

A retraction

So, it turns out I'm not the Messiah. I may have told many of you that I had the ability to create life from scratch, but it turns out I just left the bread out too long. This is really embarassing.

Those indulgences I sold you to get into heaven probably aren't going to fly, either.

Not unlike my submarine/airplane invention of 2004.

Beacon of Liberty and a Tad of Hypocrisy

I'm all for beefing up border security to stem the flow of illegal immigrants into the country. I think the ones that are here need to get in line for citizenship, and if they have caused any kind of trouble, be deported.

I do find it rather amusing that right-wing talk show hosts go on and on about how America is a beacon to the world and a bastion of hope for the heathen nations around us, and then get deeply insulted when people risk their lives to travel across the desert to get here. But logic isn't a strong suit of the anti-intellectual crowd.

However, the massive protests may have backfired in L.A. Most people were stunned to find their commute on the freeways cut in half when the illegal immigrants ditched work. Nothing gets people here motivated like improving the flow of traffic. Seriously, if someone said sacrificing children to Midas the Muffler Man would shorten the commute, most Angelenos would ask, "How many children are we talking?"

I'd be willing to go three a week. It's a nice odd number.

Inside my head ...

Transcript of actual thought process at grocery store upon picking up can of baked beans:

Me: Should I get two? That'll make me really gassy.

My brain: It's not like you're going to eat them both in one night.

I bought the beans. And it's a good thing I got two, because one of them had something growing in it. Ew.